Increasing cortisol levels ...

Wah.. I read my previous entries - man.. I am so infatuated with him, huh? hahaha. =p

Anyway, today is officially the last day of formal classes for med school. I said 'formal classes', because truthfully, I still need to go to med school from time to time anyway, and I do have one test pending.. which I will need to sit and pass next week. huhuh. And then, there will be the end of year exam, 9 days from now on.. I do wish I will do well..

talk to me.

It has been a while since I chatted with him, so yesterday I emailed him. It is not surprising not to see him online actually, considering the 12 or 13 hours time difference between New Zealand and Uk .. >.<

And then, a few hours later he came online.. but his status was busy. I spent some idle minutes thinking whether I should greet him or not. At last, I did. I miss chatting with him. And we chatted for a while - for only 2 hours though. He skipped his lecture hahaha. But knowing him, I bet he skipped his lectures all the time. ;)

Thinking back, we talked about any random stuffs actually .. huhu. But he did reassure me that I would do fine during my upcoming exams (God Willing). Hopefully .. because I am scared. And I seek reassurances - from him.

I love him. I really do. I hope he loves me too.

how could I tell?

I am afraid of rejection. Pathetic huh?

As much as I want to be with you, I am afraid to pursue you. I am afraid of what you would say, of what you would think. I dont want to make you angry - because this feeling may be is not appropriate. I treasure our friendship, and I dont want to lose you as a friend too.

I try to 'read' you, to think what you are thinking of. I try to look up if there is any words, signs, somewhere in our conversations that could direct me whether you like me that way or not. But I couldn't - moreover, it is just making me a lot more confuse.

I asked a friend yesterday, asking on a guy's perspective. Even though I have lived all my years having 2 flirty brothers, I still havent learnt the genuine 'gestures' of a guy when he is interested.. But he is not that helpful. -_-*

me: so, tell me, how could I tell whether he likes me or not?
a friend: how would I know?
me: you are a guy ...
a friend: .....
me: >.< a friend: do you really dont know?
me: .........
a friend: .... I used to like you remember? Dont you remember how it is like back then?
me: ..........

And he proceeded on reminiscing ... ugh. As a matter of fact, yes, I didn't remember how it was back then. I wanted to forget all that - in fact, I would have if he didn't bring it up again. hmpf! Whatever ... I am onto someone else now. So, eat your heart out!

What if ...

What if I like my friend, my good friend - even though probably, I am not supposed to like him. I dont know why, but maybe I am just not supposed to. After all, we are friends ... only friends. I still remember what he said some time ago, that he is there for me if I need a company.. A company. Thats exactly the word he said - the word that hold me back. Because I know, that's the only thing he expected from me. We are friends.

I dont know when exactly I started liking him this way. To start with, he is just this ex classmate I have back in high school. He is smart without even trying, and I remember that one year when he sat in front of me, and Maths just become one of my favourite subjects. Why? Because I like talking to him .. Somehow, he could just make me happy - he is funny! And I enjoyed watching him drawing. At that time, I thought that he would be a great artist one day.

And then, the following year, we were in separate classes. I remembered chatting through MSN with him a few times, and he confessed that he has special feelings for a girl in his class. I encouraged him to approach her, but I dont know what happen after that, anyway, ironically, now the girl is his best friend's girl friend.

Then, the uni life .. He is still just a friend I know. And we are now studying in 2 different countries. I am in New Zealand, and he is across the globe in UK - which means I wont be seeing him for years. But we chatted. And as months passed, I realized that I like chatting with him so much. He is someone who could cheer me up and motivate me. Whenever I am down, I find myself trying to reach him through IM. Unfortunately, he is not always online.

I have been telling myself I should not like him this way. We are friends. And deep down inside, I think I know that he wont like me that way anyway. He can have any choice of girls he want. He is amazing, talented,smart, funny and good looking. And I definitely do not want to destroy our friendship just because of my stupid feelings - which I am not supposed to develop anyway.

But do I listen? No. No matter how much I try not to think of him, I still do. I tried to brush this feeling aside, thinking this is just a silly crush of mine - and yet, the feeling persists. In fact, it becomes stronger. And one day I woke up, I realize, that I could never erase this special feelings that has developed for years...